Teens Dethrone Facebook. Where to Now?

For several years now Facebook has been the online hangout of choice for teenagers. Once Facebook opened the age firewall to those thirteen and older, teenagers became the largest demographic on the site. But just like every fad of the adolescent world, Facebook has fallen out of favor. The new "big kid on the block" is Tumblr. Twitter is fast on Tumblr's heels, with upstart Snapshat coming out of nowhere as well.

One thing this does show us is how quickly things change in teen interests. Three months ago no one ever heard of Snapchat. I wouldn't be surprise to see it on every teenager's phone or iPod by Spring 2013. Parents, you definitely want to beware of this one! Also, in late 2011 less than 5% of teens were using either Twitter or Instagram. 

Teens aren't necessarily cancelling their Facebook accounts. More than 80% of all teenagers still report having a Facebook. But like a middle school "friend" that they no longer hang out with, they've moved onto other sites. Also, site integration with Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, etc. lets them post to Facebook without ever having to visit the site.

I'm sure Facebook's falling out of cool has something to do with all of the parents (and older) who have taken up residence on the site. Okay, let's be honest, for better or worse, it has everything to do with parents. As parents we should be on Facebook, or whatever other sites our teens are on. We must also be mindful that we can easily move from coexisting online to becoming a helicopter parent online. Just as we talk talk to our teens and tweens about what they should and shouldn't do online, as parents we must also practice good netiquette.

Teens Dethrone Facebook. Where to Next? from Awake to Life on Vimeo.

Four Tips for Good Parent Netiquette

1.  Avoiding Posting Embarrassing Photos of Yourself Online.
Those silly Christmas and NewYear's photos of you will mortify your teenager. You may think it's no big deal, but to your teen, it's all about image management. Just remember how you felt when you were a teen and your parents got a little too close in public.

2.  Avoiding Posting Embarrassing Photos of Your Teen Online.
This is even bigger than the first. If you make your teenager get permission to put someone else's picture online (which you should), then you should practice what you preach by not posting their photos online without asking. Most of the time they won't mind, but give them permission to say no.

3.  Don't Correct Their Behavior Online
When your teenager does something online they shouldn't (and they will), talk with them about it at the kitchen table NOT ONLINE. This would be like giving your high schooler a spanking in public. It would be awkward for everyone involved. They need to be held accountable, but always in person.

4.  Keep Your Comments on Their Profile to a Minimum.
Most teenagers don't mind their parents occasionally commenting on their profile as long as it is praiseworthy. The key here is every once in a while. Imagine your teenager is having a conversation in the living room with some friends. You walk in mid conversation and interject yourself into the pow wow. Once again, awkward. The online world is your teenagers living room.


Love your teenager like crazy and don't be afraid to be the parent. Set the example in all you do for your teenager in how to have a good reputation online. Lead your family in modeling good boundaries. For more on technology and parenting check out Tech Savvy Parenting -- the first interactive eBook of it's kind.

Cell Phones Can Fosters Good Family Relations

Admit it--when you first think of calling your teen on her cell phone it’s not to chat. My guess is its to make sure she is where she is supposed to be, to nag her about chores left undone, or to remind her when to be home. In short, as much as we want to say as parents that we like our teens having cell phones because it “makes them safe,” the reality is we primarily use the device as another way to continue to control their behavior. 

 Can you see why when your number pops up on her phone, her first response is to snarl the same way you do when a telemarketer calls you during dinner? Her first thought is, “What did I do now?” or “What does she want me to do now?” But what if instead of your daughter dreading it whenever you call, you could instead use the cell phone to improve your relationship with your teen.

 Recent research shows that using a cell phone to contact your teen can create a better relationship between the two of you. This research from Robert Weisskirch from California State University shows that teenagers report a higher degree of stress and conflict with their parents when their parents call their cell phone to monitor them. On the other hand, teens that call their parents for advice or support in a social situation reported a more supportive and encouraging relationship with their parents.

 All this could mean that teens who are more likely to call their parents for advice do so because they already a trusting relationship with their parents. Likewise, possibly parents who use the cell phone to nag their teens already had a bad relationship with them. Either way, Either way, the study isn’t trying to show that a cell phone is the magic bullet that will fix everything between you and your teen. But it can make things worse if you don’t use it yourself with proper boundaries.

Letting Them Fail on Their Own

 If you have asked your teen to be some place or they have told to you they will be some place, then trust she will be there. If she says she will do something then trust she will do it. Unless, she has given you reason not to trust her actions then treat her like the responsible person she has proven to be.

 Some parents use the cell phone as a way of being their teen’s personal secretary or quasi life coach. Reminding your teen to not forget a doctor’s appointment is one thing but reminding your sixteen year old to finish a school project or what time church youth group starts is going overboard. Whether sink or swim, these small tasks need to fall squarely on her shoulders. In part you teen will learn a greater sense of responsibility from having to remember her own “to do” list as opposed to you sending a constant stream of text message reminders. This may mean she forgets to do a few things--things she may have to pay the consequences for later--but this is all part of an important learning process for her. Those lessons will be much more valuable to her in the long run than your reminders could ever be. 

Texting a Happy Teen

There are a number of ways you can use your calls and messages to enhance your relationship with your teen. Here are a few ways to effectively use the cell phone.

 1.  Send them an encouraging text on the days they have a “big event” such as a major test, school presentation, or sport tryouts. Your word of encouragement can serve as a reminder without being blatant or nagging such as, “Thinking about you today during your tryouts. Can’t wait to hear how it went.”

 2.  Occasionally text them a quote, picture, or bible verse you saw that reminds you of them. No need to send an explanation or long message. Short and sweet makes the point

 3.  If you are going to be late or not at home when you normally would, give your teen a call. You expect the same of them don’t you?

 4.  When they are gone for several days, give them a day without hearing from you. It’s okay to call the second day. Giving her some space can be good for independence but calling on day two let’s her know you’re still in the picture.

 5.  Let your teen use you as her “out” if it’s a socially awkward situation. You can check in on her if it’s a first date, school dance, sleepover, etc. A quick, “Everything okay?” is all it takes. If she feels uncomfortable being there, she can always say, “My Dad just sent me a text, he needs me to come home.”

 The next time you feel an urge to call or send a text to your teen, stop and ask yourself what is your motivation. Calling your teen out of concern or texting them to give them an encouraging word, can go a long way to showing you care about their everyday issues. On the other hand if you never get a text or call back, you could be contacting too often or its time for a face to face talk.



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 Source: No Crossed Wires: Cell Phone Communication in Parent-Adolescent Relationships, Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, Voume 14, Number 7-8, 2011, © Mary Ann Liebert, Inc.

Choosing Internet Safety Software for Your Family

   Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a neighborhood where you never had to lock your doors at night? Or to park your car anywhere you want and never lock the doors? Let’s take it even a step farther. Can you imagine not only leaving everything unlocked but also leaving your keys in the door just to make it easier for you to get in next time?

    It sounds so absurd that’s it’s hard not to laugh. That’s simply not the world we live in...or at least not anymore. If your home was broken into but you didn’t lock the doors to begin with, the reporting police officer would look at you like you’re an idiot. And maybe rightly so.

    Don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about living in fear of “those people out there.” I’m talking about common sense protection and precaution. Locking the doors both keeps my family safe and me from getting frustrated and angry if something is taken...just in case. That’s really what it boils down to isn’t it? Being prepared for the “just in case.”

    We’ll go to great lengths to protect our stuff, but when it comes to online safety, many families are incredibly lax. Everyday kids turn on their home computers, pull their tablets out of their backpacks, or carry their cellphones around without any boundaries to protect them from others and sometimes from their own poor judgment.

                    Why Internet Safety is Important

    I’ve lost count of how many emails I’ve gotten from parents who want to know what to do because they just found out their kid has been looking at porn on their computer. No matter how culturally hip a parent tries to be, this is one issue that sends every mother over the edge... and rightly so. 


   With more than two million pornographic websites, it's easy to see why so many kids get ensnared by it. According to a recent study, 93% of boys and 62% of girls have viewed internet pornography before the age of 18. Likewise, 83% of boys and 57% of girls have viewed group sex on the internet. More than 1 in 3 boys have viewed internet pornography for 30 minutes at a time at least ten times. While pornography may be the most shocking online issue, it’s certainly not the only one. Consider how you would respond to these:

• Your son is playing excessively violent multi-player games with people all over the world. 

• Your daughter is being bombarded with bullying messages from people on Facebook and doesn’t know how to make it stop.

• Your tween is talking with strangers on a chat site because “we’re all who we say we are.”

• Your kid is looking at one of the 20,000 sexually-oriented videos that are posted to YouTube.com each day.

• Your daughter is reading pro-anorexia ("pro-Anna") websites because of her struggles with her own body image.

• Your teen can’t set his own time restrictions, can’t make himself get offline, and is losing sleep.

    
      If your kid is struggling with any one of these issues, it’s not just one area of his or her life that is effected. It bleeds over into social life, school work, parental trust, how they feel about themselves, etc. The wheels can begin to come off in other areas of life because of something that you aren’t even aware is happening. Instead of reacting as a parent when online excess or abuse happens, you can be proactive to set up an internet safety program in the beginning.

     My kids and I have had countless conversations about purity, pornography, and personal choices. Ultimately, my desire is that they will guard their hearts and minds and they will make positive choices when it comes to online activities that are honoring of themselves, of those around them, and of the God that made them. This takes a great deal of maturity on their part, which is a process. While they are in that process, my wife and I try to put up reasonable boundaries and protections around them. If I didn't install internet safety software on our home computer and iPods and one of our kids had a moral failure online, not only would a piece of their innocence be gone, but I would be partly at fault.

     Some would argue that Internet-restricting software communicates a lack of trust in one's children. Don't fall into this trap. In every area of life there are reasonable boundaries. You wouldn't let your two-year-old play in the front yard alone because he can't fully grasp the danger of the street. In your fourteen-year-old's case, the law takes the option of driving out of your teen's hands. It's not because they will wreck your mini-van. It's because most students their age have not developed a consistent level of self-control and responsibility. 


     The reality is that the safeguards aren't only for my kids sake--they are also for mine. In my case, I am one of the more than 75% of men that have struggled with Internet pornography. Even though my past is not the issue for everyone, I believe that the ease of accessibility and abundance of Internet pornography is too much for even the most self-disciplined among us. This also should take into consideration the more than one in three women who struggle with Internet pornography. In the end, it's not about just protecting your kids--it's about protecting your whole family.

             Finding the Right Options

     An internet safety program is software that can be used to protect your whole family from a range of attacks against and struggles with different online social and behavior issues. There are too many programs to review in a short time, so I've picked what I consider to be the top programs to date (2012). The differences in each isn't huge, but rather by small degrees. Each program is designed to keep out the bad stuff and to provide a reasonable level of safety. Each one is also customizable in categories which you can choose to block--most have more than thirty categories to choose from. With most you also receive instant notification if someone tries to access something they shouldn't. The average cost of a program is $50 with a year of free updates. The programs will continue to work after that first year, but the database of offensive sites on the web will stop being updated to your system. For roughly $4.25 a month, the money is well spent.

Internet Safety Software Comparison Chart

            Choosing a Gatekeeper

     When you set up your software, you’ll create a profile for your family with a username and password. The bearer of the password, or Gatekeeper, is the only person who can make changes to the profile or make exceptions for approved websites. For our family, my wife is the Gatekeeper and the only one with a password. Yes, it can be inconvenient when websites are blocked that shouldn’t be and my wife is the only one that can open them, but it has been worth it to provide consistent accountability for our family.


     If the trap of Internet pornography is part of your personal history, then naming yourself as the Gatekeeper is obviously not the best option. This would be akin to a recovering alcoholic dispensing beer from the keg for the rest of the party. It can be done, but it's not the wisest choice. In some cases, however, it simply can't be avoided. If this is your situation, then I would also recommend an Internet accountability software for yourself that you can find from www.xxxchurch.com or www.covenanteyes.com. Either site offers a program that will send an online history report of all the sites you have viewed each week to an accountability partner of your choice. This way you can keep your family safe, while keeping your own online habits in check as well.  

Video Game Violence and Teen Behavior

      Saying that kids like video games would be a wild understatement. 97% of 12-17 year olds play video games, making it a more popular activity among teens than surfing the web.  With the $12 billion dollars in video games sales, come concerns that the excessive violence in many of the games leads to aggressive behavior in those that play them.  
     
     The violent content in video games has been blamed for school shootings, an increase in bullying, poor grades, and violence toward women. The thinking is, if you play violent video games then you’ll become a social delinquent that beats up the 98lb weakling. But is there any proof of this? Or is this one of those urban legends on par with deadly chain letters and Sasquatch?

Screenshot from Hitman:Absolution by IO Interactive

      In the past twenty years there have been over 85 scientific studies done to measure the effect video games have on the mind and actions of kids and teens. The cumulative results of these studies is near unanimous. In a nutshell, overwhelming evidence says “yes, video games have an adverse effect on developing minds.” To be fair there have been a few studies that concluded kids can play as much as they want because video games have no effect on them. But it must also be noted that those studies were largely funded by people from within the video game industry. 

                    What's Bad is Now Good?

        The most startling effect that violent games have on kids was not one of increased aggression but rather a decrease in moral sensitivity. Basically, the longer a kid plays violent games the more desensitized he becomes to real life violence and hardships of others.

     A recent study published in the Journal of Adolescence concluded that kids who regular play violent video games were less likely to feel bad when their friends were upset and more likely to feel it is okay to retaliate if someone hits them. They were also more likely to disagree with a statement such as, “When I am mean to someone, I generally feel bad about it later.”

     According to well-known pediatrician, Dr. William Sears, the longer a kid is exposed to video games violence, it’s as if the kid develops an immunity to seeing the harshness of evil in the real world. “At a very young age, children learn to associate violence with pleasure and excitement.” There is an emotional rush that comes from playing the games. But the longer they play the more difficult it is to feel that same rush. Dr. Sears goes on to say, “They build up an immunity to violence and therefore need higher levels of violence as ‘booster shots’.” 

Advert for GTA: Chinatown Wars, latest in the series that has sold more than $120M.

     Part of the moral confusion kids have to navigate when playing violent video games is not simply that there is evil, but rather how as a player you are to interact with the evil. For decades you could count on a predictable pattern in kid’s entertainment when it came to good versus evil. Whether it was Tubbs and Crocket fighting drug lords in the 80’s, Buffy the Vampire Slayer ridding her town of the undead in the 90‘s, or more recently Anakin’s slide to the dark side of the Force, in the end you knew that good was going to win out.

     In many popular mass multiplayer games (MMP) you now play as the evil character. For instance in The Godfather II you play a Italian gang enforcer roaming the streets killing just about anyone in your way. In Grand Theft Auto IV, your character is a released convict who now works as an auto theft. At different points in the game you shoot at and outrun the police, visit strip bars, and terrorize citizens with your car--all in hopes of getting the high score. Instead of violence, sexism, and racism being punished, in the case of many of the games, these types of behavior are rewarding with “power-ups,” extra lives, bonus scores, etc.

             Escapism with No Escape

     The pleasure of media is that it allows you to unplug from the real world and escape to some fantasy world for a few minutes. When my brother and I were kids we used to watch wrestling every Saturday morning. Afterwards we would pretend to be “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Jerry “The King” Lawler. Our mother would watch with heightened tension as we would sling each other into our couch that served as our turnbuckle. Even though we would pretend to punch and clothesline one another, there was never any real harm being done. Unfortunately, the same can not be said of kids who regularly play violent video games. What is seen on the screen can bleed over into real life attitudes.

Video Game Snapshot

The following is a one minute clip from the best-selling M-Rated game, The Godfather 2.
Take note of how many graphic killings take place in that one minute.

     The lifelikeness of the graphics and realism of the storylines puts the player closer to the action.  Newer game controllers bring the gameplay into your hands. The Wii controller and nunchuck allow you to move the controller to simulate running, punching, stabbing, etc. The camera on the Xbox Kinect actually watches your whole body movement and reacts on screen as you shoot, maim, slap, or do any other destructive behavior. If you're playing a game of table tennis, waving your arms like you have a paddle, the Kinect can be good family fun. But if you're playing an excessive amount of a game in which you wave your arms like you are wielding a chainsaw as the street gang on the screen bleeds out, then studies say it is just too real for the typical teen brain to handle.

     Among all forms of media, violent video games are the only one associated with a lower empathy level in kids. A 2004 study from the University of Toledo examined the responses of 150 fourth and fifth graders to different media stimulus. Violent video games were the only type that lowered empathy--the ability of a person to understand the feelings of another person. In other words, these type of games where the only type of media that causes a kid to loose the ability to feel badly for another person’s pain or circumstances. 

     Another study showed that the kids who played violent games the longest were more likely to agree with the statement, “People with guns or knives are cool,” and “Parents should tell their kids to fight if they have to.” This takes the effect even further. These kids don’t just loose the ability to feel bad, they move to approving of violence. We are talking about an actual change in the worldview (belief system) of these kids. Brad Bushman, researcher from University of Michigan says, “Video games increase aggressive thought and angry feelings. They increase arousal levels such as heart rate and blood pressure. They increase aggressive behavior and they decrease helping behavior.”

     In the eye-opening book, Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth about Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do, the researchers carried out an interesting study. The authors, Drs. Lawrence Kutner and Cheryl Olsen examined all areas of life among two groups of teens--those who regular played violent games and those who did not.

     In every area of teen life, unhealthy behavior was greater among those teens that regularly played violent video games. One argument by those who think all of this is silliness is, “Well, those are kids who were predisposed to bad behavior by their upbringing or personality.” This could be true were it not for the fact that in many of the studies kids were randomly chosen to play either violent or non-violent games. In each case the kids that played the violent games showed an adverse effect.

             You Be the One

     As a parent it is easy to blame anything else for the behavior of our kids other than our kids themselves. We blame too much TV for childhood obesity, teachers for failing grades, and in this case video game violence for childhood aggression. Just as we see with video games, these outside factors can contribute to a poor childhood experience but none of these takes us off the hook as mom and dad.

     More than likely, no one else is going to monitor your kid in regards to what TV shows they watch, how much time they surf the web, or the types of video games they play. It’s going to come down to you and how much you are willing to invest to be a part of how and how much they use video games. Here are some suggested guidelines for you to consider.

• Create a "NoGo" List. This is a list of non-negotiables for video game use such as no TV or video-game playing in the bedroom, no violent video games, and no video games before homework. Depending on your child’s maturity and learning level, you may even add to the list no video games on school nights. Believe me they will survive without a daily dose of Mario.

• Offer Alternatives to Release Aggression. Kids, especially boys need to have a way to release aggression and be active each day. Getting your kids involved in activities such as sports, cheerleadering, paintball, or hunting are ways to get exercise and experience a healthy risk. Even social clubs such as 4H, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and church youth groups provide an outlet for activity and interaction. If your child has a special talent such as horseback riding or acting, nurture those disciplines that will reward them and build their self-esteem over their lifetime.

• Monitor the screen. Just as you would watch a TV program or movie with your child and discuss it with them, you should do the same with video games. Many of the role playing games are built around a storyline that unfolds as the game is played. Also, some of the more violent games start off mild then build in intensity the further you get into the game. Having the video system in a family room will allow you to see what is happening at all times. 

• Establish a Video Game Bank. Life is best lived when done within healthy boundaries and moderation. You can help instill personal responsibility in other areas of life by starting in small areas such as video games. Give your kid either a set quantity of time per week or per day that he/she can play video games. Once they withdraw all of their time out of the “bank” the play time is over. This is an easy win for you both because they get to play video games (which is what they want) and you know there is a time cutoff (which is what you want).

• Encourage Group Games. Multiplayer video game play is the number one activity for middle school boys. Make sure some of their time playing games is done in a group. This causes your kid to socially interact with others learning concepts such as teamwork, patience, cooperation, and celebration. 

• Evaluate the Game Rating. The Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) was created to rate video games and create a standard age appropriateness. They do a good job in rating the games and explaining their rationale but it is still subjective. Your job is to read the rating for the games you buy your kids and understand the content. For a full explanation of video game ratings and term, read my previous article entitled Understanding Video Game Ratings. For more information about video-game ratings, consult: www.esrb.org; or order a discussion of the ratings by the American Academy of Pediatrics at: www.aap.org/family/ratingsgame.htm

             Moderation in Everything

     Don’t misunderstand the real message of this writing. I am not making an argument that video games nor the video game makers are bad. Nor am I saying you shouldn’t play certain types of games. All I’m doing is giving an honest assessment of the facts. It is up to you as a parent how you will use this information to better lead your family.

     Keep in mind as well that the majority of the studies are not arguing against violent video games but rather THEIR EXCESS PLAY. Perhaps a balance for your family could be that if your teen is going to play a game such as Call of Duty or Modern Warfare that have to do so with you and in strict moderation. And if you play together use it as a teachable time by debriefing after game play. Let there be a few moments of quietness after gameplay to talk about what was experienced and seen in the video. If video games tell a story, can’t you use them the same way you would a movie?

     No matter where you come down on the issue of aggressive/violent video games, have a standard and stick with it. Even if your kid doesn’t agree with your decisions and sees them as restrictive, in the end they will have a greater respect for you when you stick by what you say.